Thursday, August 27, 2015

day 13

which way to go

Asking myself for direction
searching for answers
planning goals
wanting a path
lusting for predictability

I'm 30 next year
I'm a mum, a sister, a daughter
a friend
who am I ?
All those words, labels meaningless when erased.

who am I?
I am me.
I am Jess,

Day 12

I think of the Katy Perry Song "Firework".

Too often people are ashamed of being their true selves. Scared of what others may think. Scared of  rejection.

Be true to you, Be yourself.

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

day 11: stars

I often don't tell people how I feel about them,  or that I am proud etc. I  am working on that. Eventually I will get there.

The brightest star  I ever knew, never knew he was a bright star.  He  didn't know how bright he shone. He under estimated how bright  he shone.

He was my brother.

I have blogged many times about him. He'd honestly be saying "jess quit telling everyone how awesome i was and get a hobby" haha

The thing is, this bright star stopped shining 8 years ago.  He never saw his 18th birthday.

He became a sad statistic, one of many young people that year to end their life.
I am not ashamed of how he passed away, I just wish he knew

Where to get help:

Lifeline Australia  13 11 14
beyond Blue  1300 22 4636
your local GP
how bright he shone.

day 10 : Music

day 9

Photo from 2012: Alistair's birth.
I often think the greatest moments of luminosity are when I have faced , things I am afraid of.
One of the biggest things I struggle with, is  events that are out of my control.  For example when I had to have a csection with my fourth child, it was an unavoidable event that I couldn't control (thanks to grade 4 placenta previa) it scared me.
But that feeling afterwards,  it was like a "yes I did it" and i felt like I could take on the world because I did it.

day 8

Don't give up.  Let their jaws drop when they see , you proved them wrong.  Watch them eat their words.
They never believed in you and wanted to watch you fail.
Because they, don't want to see anyone succeed , they are too lazy to attempt anything new or change things. So they want everyone to fail.

In my teenage years, my family never came to award ceremonies, even though I was the straight A student and school came very easy to me.  I never heard the words " I am proud of you" be uttered from my parent's mouths. I used to tell myself, if i worked that bit harder , if I got that award, maybe just maybe they'd be proud.

Then one day I realised,
 I needed to do things to make ME proud of ME.

Friday, August 21, 2015

day 7

We have so many trees around our home it is really all I can see when I open up the curtains.  This photo is my youngest son   (3 yr old) Alistair hugging one of the trees.  He hasn't yet mastered the art of climbing trees.

The trees are great in summer, it keeps my house nice and cool so there is no need for an air con.  They attract lots of birds, so i often hear birds near my bedroom window.  I live in the suburbs too not the bush.

day 6

I like sunsets, the colours mix into one another like a big artwork.  I often look forward to night time because it is the boy's bedtime drawing closer.

There is something beautiful about sitting on the deck at sunset  with a glass of wine, as the evening ends. The world rushes by while I sit and enjoy the moment.

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

day5: Light

Sometimes, when I look back I think holy crap how did i make it through?  Somehow I just did.  I just sailed the storm that life dealt me. Eventually,the light does shine through the darkness and it is smooth sailing.
Sometimes, stuff does seem like you won't make it through, that it is easier to give up. But you don't and then one day you look back and think "i'm glad i didn't".

day 4: shadows

Do I look back and pretend to look  fondly?  
Do i build a time machine? 
I can't go back
I won't
The shadows once were my home
The darkness is not were I belong. 

We sit
We pretend everything is perfect
Illusions never change into reality

Shadows see and watch
they talk

Monday, August 17, 2015

Day 3 August Moon : Gloom

The day I said goodbye to you, though I didn't realise it was a final goodbye,  was gloomy. It was raining, the clouds were dark, I could hear thunder.  We hugged like usual. Said our goodbyes.
But something didn't seem right this time.
Something was missing. We both felt it, the void, we remained silent.

I watched you , walk away. Silently.
Never to hear from you again.

We walk two different paths now, never crossing paths despite mutual friends. 

Sunday, August 16, 2015

August Moon : Day fears

Illusions create walls,
Never letting anyone in.
Locked away in the bell tower.

Then, you came.
You braved the obstacles to the tower,
tried to save me.
Save me from myself.

I  let you in my tower,
I listened.
You pleaded.
You begged.
I followed.

Then you fooled me.

The tower called my name,
I locked myself away.

I don't want to be like you.

Saturday, August 15, 2015

August Moon Day 1

Sometimes, I think when we get lost in the darkness, we forget who we are. We forget or lose our way.  Sometimes, I find myself falling back into that darkness, the pit of despair and negativity.  Sometimes, it seems too hard to get out of that pit.
I have thought  it was too hard , ready to give up.
I started trying to make amends to those I hurt at some point, but some question it.

I guess I am a work in progress.